Fromage Frais Bentos

New! Boil-in-the-tin steak and kidney-flavour yoghurt.* Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

* May contain unfriendly as well as friendly bacteria.

Phrases of the Moon #3 Lyle Lovett

Do you think he'll like it?

Like it? He'll Lyle!

Indigents In Digance

Richard Digance stars as Richard Digance, folk singer, teller of humorous tales, one-time poor man's Brian Conley, and, now, the site of the most revolutionary, clandestine, and mysterious scientific experiment in history, in this new sitcom for ITV3. Described as Mind Your Language meets Fantastic Voyage.

Hard-up entertainer Richard answers an ad for a medical research volunteer. Inside the lab he is injected with a party of forty or so penniless asylum seekers, swept up off the street and shrunk to microscopic size. The fun begins as the homeless foreigners begin to interact with Richard from the inside!

Co-starring Andrew Sachs as Pang, Rodney Bewes as Faisal, Bella Emberg as Fatima, and the surviving cast members of 'Allo 'Allo as themselves.

Cowell's Bowels

aka The X-Tractor

aka Search for a Christmas Number One

New reality tv series for ITV2. Simon Cowell auditions a succession of gastroenterologists to find one who can cure him of chronic constipation. The resultant turd is sent to bootcamp, given a makeover, and handed a recording contract in time to get a single out before Christmas.

Phrases of the Moon: #2 Peter Wilby

"Will he really be coming?"
"He Peter, he Peter!"

Phrases of the Moon: #1 Tony Coton

"It's getting a bit parky out, I'll just put my Tony."

Usain - We Insane!

New reality tv show on BBC2. Olympic champion and world record holder Usain Bolt takes on his biggest challenge yet - taking a bunch of in-patients at the Maudsley NHS Mental Health Trust, and turning them into a crack 4x100m relay team. Can they make it through the trials at Crystal Palace?

The tragic case of Roy Silk

Robert Harris had worked for his boss, Roy Silk, for years down at Allied Carpets. On the Wirral. One day Robert started hearing these voices in his head, urging him, quite matter-of-factly, to kill his boss. He'd just have the telly or the radio on, and all of a sudden he'd hear the words: "Robert - Kill Roy Silk". He tried to ignore it at first; for a while he thought the voice had gone away. But every now and then it would come back - sometimes a man's voice, sometimes a woman's. He thought he might be going mad. But looking at it, he decided Roy was a cunt, after all, so he might as well. And so one night he stabbed him in the guts. "What did you do that for?" Roy asked, with his dying breath. "It was the voices," explained Robert. "They told me to kill you." If only he'd been called Roy Killrobert-Harris, thought Roy. As he died.

Grin and Bear It

New gameshow on E4. Twelve contestants. Ten thousand pounds up for grabs. The winner is the last one to remain smiling while being mauled by a bear. Hosted by Brian Conley.

Comfy position

Overheard at a recent joint social for academics from the London School of Oriental and African Studies and their counterparts from the London School of Oriental and African Surrealism:

- I've got a Chair in Ottoman Studies.

- Really? I've got an Ottoman in Chair Studies.