In tomorrow's Express #5

Phrases of the Moon #15: Ulrich von Hassell

"You know what you wanna do? You wanna switch to that Talk Talk. Cheapest deal at the moment."

"Naaah. It's just not worth the Ulrich."

Preserved for the nation: Jockie Strapp's Motor Racing Comment

At last! Preserved for the nation!

Top tip: download the forker, and swizzle it round.

Jockie Strapp's Motor Racing Comment

Phrases of the Moon #14: Alan Cumming

"Oh God - I'm Alan!"

Phrases of the Moon #13: Amory Lovins

"Baby ... I'm going to give you some good Amory tonight ..."

Smart Casualty

New smash hit genre-bending dramasoap for Friday nights on BBC1.

Charlie out of Casualty is the victim of a hit and run (unbeknownst to him carried out by the show's producers, who figure it is the only way to finally get rid of him after 25 years of hanging round like an exhausted basset hound with decaying bowels). As he slips into a coma he finds himself waking up ... in the Nineteen Eighties! Is he dead, is he dreaming, is he in an alternative universe? How will he find his way back to the future? Who tried to kill him - and will they try again? While these mysteries unfold, he gets on with the job of being a nurse in a typical hospital in the 1980s. While marauding bands of miners and black rioters turn the streets outside into a war zone, inside Holby City A&E a black porter plays a saxophone solo, while nurses serve white wine spritzers and vol-au-vents, and a bouncer on the door enforces a strict dress policy - no trainers, no jeans, jacket sleeves rolled up, and top button done up or no fucking medical treatment - even if your name's Margaret Thatcher. For a while Charlie forgets his former life in the future, reasoning he must simply have slipped down a hole in the spacetime continuum. But after several weeks in which the only songs he hears are 'True', 'Gold', and 'Careless Whisper', he begins to suspect that something is wrong ...

Casualty meets Ashes to Ashes, goes behind the bike sheds for a quick fag with The Supersizers, before snogging Only When I Laugh and taking Quincy home for some dirty sex on the kitchen floor.

Starring Kieron Prendeville, Sally James, Doc Cox, that bloke who used to be Wilmott-Braaahn and the entire cast of next year's Strictly Come Dancing.