Dumpling decision

- What do you mean, you don't like Polish dumplings?
- That's my pierogative.

Tespice

Britain’s first supermarket-hospice – where all the staff have just days to live – prices are lower, as they don’t have to worry too much about sick pay, holidays, pensions, etc.

Intrevino's

New deluxe theme diner, opened by golfing legend Lee Trevino, where all the dishes are first dissolved at your table before being consumed intravenously.

Selebrity Cpoonerisms #1

Fonnie Banglord

Refuse Nik #1

The recalcitrant bin man.

New chocolate bar

"You will take a break.  Right now.  Take a break!  On the double!  Park your fucking arse and take a break!"

Diktat.

New words

Aaarghument

Life-sapping topic of dispute between a couple that never goes away, just dies down a while before leaping out again, just when he's not expecting.

--- When are you going up that loft?
--- [Aaaagh, it's that one again!]

New film

Horror film about a classical music conductor who freaks out his mum by stabbing Vlademir Ashkenazy through the eye with his baton, before cutting the brakes on the LSO's tour bus and setting fire to the Royal Albert Hall.

We need to talk about Previn

Phrases of the Moon #16: DeForest Kelley

"Where de trees?"

"In Kelley!"

In tomorrow's Express #5

Phrases of the Moon #15: Ulrich von Hassell

"You know what you wanna do? You wanna switch to that Talk Talk. Cheapest deal at the moment."

"Naaah. It's just not worth the Ulrich."

Preserved for the nation: Jockie Strapp's Motor Racing Comment

At last! Preserved for the nation!

Top tip: download the forker, and swizzle it round.

Jockie Strapp's Motor Racing Comment

Phrases of the Moon #14: Alan Cumming

"Oh God - I'm Alan!"

Phrases of the Moon #13: Amory Lovins

"Baby ... I'm going to give you some good Amory tonight ..."

Smart Casualty

New smash hit genre-bending dramasoap for Friday nights on BBC1.

Charlie out of Casualty is the victim of a hit and run (unbeknownst to him carried out by the show's producers, who figure it is the only way to finally get rid of him after 25 years of hanging round like an exhausted basset hound with decaying bowels). As he slips into a coma he finds himself waking up ... in the Nineteen Eighties! Is he dead, is he dreaming, is he in an alternative universe? How will he find his way back to the future? Who tried to kill him - and will they try again? While these mysteries unfold, he gets on with the job of being a nurse in a typical hospital in the 1980s. While marauding bands of miners and black rioters turn the streets outside into a war zone, inside Holby City A&E a black porter plays a saxophone solo, while nurses serve white wine spritzers and vol-au-vents, and a bouncer on the door enforces a strict dress policy - no trainers, no jeans, jacket sleeves rolled up, and top button done up or no fucking medical treatment - even if your name's Margaret Thatcher. For a while Charlie forgets his former life in the future, reasoning he must simply have slipped down a hole in the spacetime continuum. But after several weeks in which the only songs he hears are 'True', 'Gold', and 'Careless Whisper', he begins to suspect that something is wrong ...

Casualty meets Ashes to Ashes, goes behind the bike sheds for a quick fag with The Supersizers, before snogging Only When I Laugh and taking Quincy home for some dirty sex on the kitchen floor.

Starring Kieron Prendeville, Sally James, Doc Cox, that bloke who used to be Wilmott-Braaahn and the entire cast of next year's Strictly Come Dancing.

At last, a combined personal organiser and spreadable sandwich spread

I Can't Believe I've Just Swallowed Malcolm's Phone Number!

New words

Nobentity.

One who combines the insignificance of a nonentity with the annoyance of a nob.

Cull Nick Ross

New show for the springtime schedules on BBC2. Chris Packham and Kate Humble join professional slaughtermen as they set out to hunt down and destroy former BBC presenter Nick Ross, winner of an online poll to be added to Defra's list of condemned vermin, before burning him on a huge funeral pyre and closing down the countryside.

Erors

The god of romantic mistakes.

Bough's Breakfast Blog #4

I arrive at 4.30. My companion is already there, well scrubbed, no make-up, but looking lovely. The two of us alone. A quick kiss of greeting, a friendly smile. 'Shall I pour dear, or will you? A little toast perhaps? One lump or two?'

There is no breakfast like breakfast with Miss Selina Scott.

Bough, F., Bough's Breakfast Book (London: Weidenfeld & Nicholson, 1984), p 94.

Presentation #2: Mission + Values = Success

Phrases of the Moon #12: Javed Miandad

- So, who you going with again?
- Oh, it's just Javed. The old man's never been to the States, thought I'd treat him.

Phrases of the Moon #11: Ayatollah Khomeni

- "You got any of them pieces of ply left?"

- "Yeah, no problem - Ayatollah d'you want?"

I've Got A Brand New Columbine Harvester

Jaunty new ballad about the proprietor of a recently-opened branch of a gastrochav franchise pub, wherein, just as the patrons are tucking in to their cajun chicken balti and spicy potato wedges with extra nachos and cheese, two juvenile delinquents burst in and shoot them in the head.

Altar-ego

The inflated sense of importance God feels during Mass.

Bath Oliver

New show for More 4.

Jamie Oliver interviews a series of celebrities, while they take turns to undress him, run him a bath, pour some Matey in to get it nice and bubbly, and give him a good scrub with a loofer.

Next week: The Hamiltons.

Phrases of the Moon #10: Tim Witherspoon

-How do you eat your porridge?

- Why, how do you think - Tim!

Ringpiece

New cop drama for ITV1. Nicholas Lyndhurst stars as Detective Inspector Jonathon Ringpiece. He's crochety, and unconventional, but he gets results, and he's the best man in Leicestershire CID. He's got an ex-wife and two teenage daughters. He lives in the picturesque town of Market Harborough, which, despite being sleepy, has an appalling murder rate, often involving poisoned cheese, or booby-trapped pork products, say, a pork pie fitted with an IED. He's a new romantics buff, listening to tapes of ABC and OMD in his vintage Sierra, to the bemusement of his young female partner, Sally. He drinks white wine spritzers, much to the amusement of the young lads on the force. Which only makes him more crochety.

And he's got piles.

Phrases of the Moon #9: Keith Sweat

"There's no way you'd have made it on time."

"Fuck off, I'd have made it, no Keith."

The hot new gift this Christmas

It's Subotteo!

Idea by M Reynard
Talent by L Delahay [Inordinate thanks]

Bare Brevil

New show for BBC 3, presented by Jack Osborne and Dusty Bin. Reality TV cum motivational away day sees teams of office workers transported to a rural retreat, where, instead of hot coals, they have to run naked over a 20m path paved with open Brevil sandwich makers, set to toast.

Bough's Breakfast Blog #3

"Strange, though, that the French haven't taken up toast, which from my researches remains a particularly English invention born, I discover, when the rich in olden days used bread sliced into flat pieces as a plate."

Bough, F., Bough's Breakfast Book (London: Weidenfeld & Nicholson, 1984), p 89.

Dhalliwal: Nigh: Read by M. Reynard

Nigh

In tomorrow's Express #4

Pushing Sixty, Schwarzenegger confirmed for new Terminator film

It's my back.

Presentation #1: Enhancing Governance

In Tescos, where I never want to be

I am in Tescos,
where I never want to be.
I am wandering round Tescos,
muttering to myself.
With my ipod in, and thank God for it -
it's the only thing keeping me even halfway sane,
and that's not saying very much.

I am wandering round Tescos,
muttering to myself,
a shade too audibly, I suspect,
for anyone to take comfort in whatever sanity I have left.

I am filled with distracted hatred,
Hitler with a shopping list.
I cannot but voice my conviction:
I'm convinced that everybody here,
that everyone could get the fuck out of my way,
I really am,
if they only put their minds to it.
Go on. Fuckers.

Oh God, now it's the self-service checkout.

Phrases of the Moon #8: Mastodon

"What, he's finished the job already?"
"Mastodon. There's no answer."

My latest band

The preparations H

My latest band

Tosswaddywaddy

Dhalliwal: MadAss: Read by M. Reynard

MadAss

Posted using ShareThis

Phrases of the Moon #7: Ursula Andress

"I found her in a state of Ursula."

Bough's Breakfast Blog #2

"Russell 'Capricorn, this is you, Frank' Grant is a one-off. We have an exhilarating time each morning after the 8.30 news giving each other a whacking."

Bough, F., Bough's Breakfast Book (London: Weidenfeld & Nicholson, 1984), p 74.

Pierce Morgan

New public service remit broadcasting on Five. Each week members of the public attempt to hit Piers Morgan with a succession of sharp instruments.

Episode 4: The joust.

Ben Nerys

New heartwarming romantic comedy for Sunday nights on BBC 1. Ben Fogle stars as Ben, the rugged, manly head of the Fort William mountain rescue team, and local cross-dresser, whose unnatural tendencies are a cause for high drama and high jinks in the Highlands.

Cliffhanger meets Tootsie, meets Monarch of the Glen, goes round for tea at Take the High Road, pops in to see Touching the Void, before bumping into Supergran on the way home.

The Apprentalist

New business-themed-reality-TV-gameshow-come-mental-health-initiative for BBC1, following the granting of emergency powers to Lord Sugar under the new Mental Health (Restraining Orders) Act 2010, passed through hastily-scheduled all-night sittings of the Houses of Parliament. Each week, a motley collection of hyper-excitable and pathologically earnest wannabe business bell-ends, carefully screened for their unsuitability for social life in the modern world, are put through their business paces in the attempt to unearth who has the greatest business flair for business - and capacity to withstand MI6-unapproved levels of mental cruelty. Each week Lord Sugar calls the budding business bodies into his business boadroom, and gives them a good business talking to until he finally pushes one completely over the edge, at which point he tells them - "You're sectioned."

Phrases of the Moon #6: Charlotte Church

"And today we welcome Malcolm into the bosom of the Charlotte."

Ceci n'est pas un pipe bomb

The Surreal IRA.

No-Know Nanette

Affecting documentary series for BBC 1. Not-so-famous-these-days actress Nanette Newman agrees to let the cameras film her struggle with the incipient onset of Alzheimer's. Each episode concludes with Nanette in the Mastermind chair. John Humphries asks her a succession of questions whose answers she can't remember in an engaging attempt at scientifcally gauging the loss of her mental faculties. Fiona Bruce presents with a face set to Concerned, going simperingly-pleased-with-itself at the edges.

Bough's Breakfast Blog #1

Important here to make absolutely certain I've picked the right dispenser, a little lesson learned from Nationwide days when I shared a bedroom in Belgium with Bob Wellings on a programme trip. As I lay in my bed, he went into the bathroom and started cleaning his teeth with my athlete's foot powder. The choking noise was amazing. I thought he was dying.


Bough, F., Bough's Breakfast Book (London: Weidenfeld & Nicholson, 1984), p 98

Boyle's Law

New reality show for Virgin 1. Susan Boyle, fast-tracked to the position of Procurator Fiscal, tries real crimes, ranging from urinating in public, to being drunk and disorderly, to grievous bodily harm, to putting a firework up a cat's bum and watching it go bang. Each week she frowns in concentration, clearly bemused by this latest phase of insanity she's pitched up inside, before donning a home-made hanging cap, and sentencing the runty schemey to death. They are then shoved into a compression chamber, where we watch to verify whether the relationship between the pressure and volume of a gas really is inversely proportional at a constant temperature. Until they're dead.

Dhalliwal: The First Folio: Redemption

Redemption

forgive me mother! spare me a sermon, father! I have fallen
, oh, I think I shall die from humiliation and heartbreak!
she left me tonight for a prince from the gentry. Her last words:
“I cannot resist him. I cannot suffer the mediocre life any
longer – redeem me, remember me and don’t begrudge me!”
: proved once again how the world of capital rules over passion.
Where do I go now? Is suicide the pertinent act of a shamed
man as I? Or is it best to challenge the rich man the right of –
No! I cannot! My familiy, and I, will suffer the consequences.
If being a lackey is not enough excuse – then the rights of my
mother and father are. What right have I to a girl that has
been manipulated and taken from me by the hand of my
lordship? No right, dammit! No right whatsoever…

‘Justification of an issue’ is of little importance when born
a servant leading the life of a dog.
When a girl is taken from a servant by a master of the
house you cannot have a say – otherwise you pay
for your stupidity with your life….
One of these days I will revolt and many more in my imagination
will do the same … But for now, I beg forgiveness from
my mother, a god-fearing creature, for ever being close to the
girl of the master …. But I swear to you with my soul and
blood, I swear to you that I will retain what is
rightfully mine. One of these days … Just you wait lordship!
My revolt is closer than you think. If you harm that poor
girl I will do such harm to you that your world will cave in and
you will collapse at my feet and, for a change, obey me and my
wishes.
But as I said a moment ago, until then I seek redemption from
my mother……

Phrases of the Moon: #5 Mururoa Atol

"Worried?"

"Not Mururoa!"

OCDC

Rock group.

They play three chords and have to wash their hands.

Prussian Prulette

New historical-intellectual gameshow for BBC4. Hosted by Victoria Coren.

Prue Leith in a blindfold. A dining table, with six chairs. On one is a World War I German helmet with a spike sticking out of it. She sits on each chair in turn. A panel, consisting of Timmy Mallet, Jerry Hall, Miriam Margoyles, Angela Rippon, Tony Blackburn, and Ariel Sharon bet on the outcome, with their own money (or that of the Israeli state) riding on each descent of the posh catering school derriere.

Prussian Prulette.

Dhalliwal: The First Folio: Raconteur

RACONTEUR

Love? Ha!
You don’t know what that petty little word means!
To you its just a tedious over-used catch which
brings in your poor little female victims!

I bet you bribe them with that gross, slimy tone of yours.
I could pentee your grovelling, dare I say, paying them? Ha!
You treat women as if they were gullible, inane creatures
that don’t know how to think?

How you get away with the stories you tell I’ll never know.
Your not mad or deprived of sensible equilibirum –
Its not that whats so irritating…
And you were bred like a nobleman (parentage weren’t bad).

Yet lechery is the name of the sordid game to you.
Your notoriety amongst husbands speaks volumes for itself!
Your capacity to deceive is unique, I say.
What a raconteur you are!

Tell me, friend:
What will you do when slandered men react to you?
How will you respond?
Is it not time to give the lascivious vocals a triumphant end?

Refrain yourself from further say whilst your one step ahead
- I say…
cos’ if they ever find you with their wife.
Your cosy white tales will be a thing of the past ….
(and you too for that matter)

‘lechery is one thing; voluntary infidelity be another…..’
(PROVERB)

Dhalliwal: The First Folio: MadAss

MadAss

The flint is too sharp, the stone too starky,
The full-bruntle I bear from you is insufferable, and so are you.
You mock at my creation and at my sensitivity,
You feel I am an oaf, I know whom is an ass.
Your vermin is vomitting on my presence,
I would suggest you stop it… - for I have some power,
I am not just a weak bodied mind.
You think your awe-inspiring and unpregnable,
I know underneath your heavy blusher and mouldy mascara
that you are just a nonentity… a meddlesome nonentity…
You think your unbreachable, I think you are mad.
Your just a petty mad ass! I am glad.

Yoothanasia

What George wanted to do to Mildred.

new words

divvydent

Pertaining to one whose insensitive manner appears at first to be aloof and uncaring, but on closer inspection they're just thick.

In tomorrow's Express # 3

Phrases of the Moon: #4 Eddy Shah

"Jeez it's sticky."

"Yeah - I'm going to take a quick Eddy before dinner."

In tomorrow's Express #2

In tomorrow's Express # 1

Fromage Frais Bentos

New! Boil-in-the-tin steak and kidney-flavour yoghurt.* Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

* May contain unfriendly as well as friendly bacteria.

Phrases of the Moon #3 Lyle Lovett

Do you think he'll like it?

Like it? He'll Lyle!

Indigents In Digance

Richard Digance stars as Richard Digance, folk singer, teller of humorous tales, one-time poor man's Brian Conley, and, now, the site of the most revolutionary, clandestine, and mysterious scientific experiment in history, in this new sitcom for ITV3. Described as Mind Your Language meets Fantastic Voyage.

Hard-up entertainer Richard answers an ad for a medical research volunteer. Inside the lab he is injected with a party of forty or so penniless asylum seekers, swept up off the street and shrunk to microscopic size. The fun begins as the homeless foreigners begin to interact with Richard from the inside!

Co-starring Andrew Sachs as Pang, Rodney Bewes as Faisal, Bella Emberg as Fatima, and the surviving cast members of 'Allo 'Allo as themselves.

Cowell's Bowels

aka The X-Tractor

aka Search for a Christmas Number One

New reality tv series for ITV2. Simon Cowell auditions a succession of gastroenterologists to find one who can cure him of chronic constipation. The resultant turd is sent to bootcamp, given a makeover, and handed a recording contract in time to get a single out before Christmas.

Phrases of the Moon: #2 Peter Wilby

"Will he really be coming?"
"He Peter, he Peter!"

Phrases of the Moon: #1 Tony Coton

"It's getting a bit parky out, I'll just put my Tony."

Usain - We Insane!

New reality tv show on BBC2. Olympic champion and world record holder Usain Bolt takes on his biggest challenge yet - taking a bunch of in-patients at the Maudsley NHS Mental Health Trust, and turning them into a crack 4x100m relay team. Can they make it through the trials at Crystal Palace?

The tragic case of Roy Silk

Robert Harris had worked for his boss, Roy Silk, for years down at Allied Carpets. On the Wirral. One day Robert started hearing these voices in his head, urging him, quite matter-of-factly, to kill his boss. He'd just have the telly or the radio on, and all of a sudden he'd hear the words: "Robert - Kill Roy Silk". He tried to ignore it at first; for a while he thought the voice had gone away. But every now and then it would come back - sometimes a man's voice, sometimes a woman's. He thought he might be going mad. But looking at it, he decided Roy was a cunt, after all, so he might as well. And so one night he stabbed him in the guts. "What did you do that for?" Roy asked, with his dying breath. "It was the voices," explained Robert. "They told me to kill you." If only he'd been called Roy Killrobert-Harris, thought Roy. As he died.

Grin and Bear It

New gameshow on E4. Twelve contestants. Ten thousand pounds up for grabs. The winner is the last one to remain smiling while being mauled by a bear. Hosted by Brian Conley.

Comfy position

Overheard at a recent joint social for academics from the London School of Oriental and African Studies and their counterparts from the London School of Oriental and African Surrealism:

- I've got a Chair in Ottoman Studies.

- Really? I've got an Ottoman in Chair Studies.

Felicity's Facilities

New sitcom for BBC1. Felicity Kendall plays Felicity, a wealthy and famous actress who decides to jack in acting finally to pursue her dream of making it as head of facilities in a large office block. Taking sexism (and ageism) in her stride, she dons some overalls, grabs a spanner, and goes around telling people where to drop them crates off. Some days she wears a hard hat; often she goes around with a clipboard. Years of clandestine practice mean she has perfected the sucking in of air timed with the sorry shake of the head. She prides herself on being unresponsive when people complain they are too hot / cold, and on overcompensating like a bitch when finally she gets round to it. She is obsessed with crates.

Meo Culpa

New sitcom on Dave+1. Tony Meo plays Tony, former professional snooker player and now full-time lav cleaner and children's entertainer. Each week Tony tries his best to help those less fortunate than himself - and each week his big-hearted scheme goes disastrously wrong! Johnny's dream of meeting a famous footballer ends up on Crimewatch; Maria, the kindly cleaner, is deported once it's revealed she's an illegal, as a result of being nominated as cleaner of the year; Gran has both her benefits and her legs cut off thanks to the home-made invention that was to make her the world's first bionic gran; that kind of thing. His meddlesome efforts are always made with the best intentions, but there's always some pesky detail or other he's overlooked. Each week Tony ends the show in an admission of guilt - Meo Culpa!

Carmen Miander

Fruit-based singer of Latin extraction who takes an awful long time to get there.

Woodchip Wotsits

The biomass snack.

Cheesey - barky - salty - fibrous fun!

Great Victorian Inventors #6

Marie Curie was born in 1846,
She invented radioactivity and then she had a twix.
She hated Degos, Jews, and Poles,
Gypsies, lesbians, and proles,
Wops, blacks, gays, and Irish, dwarves and spics.
What a bitch!

New retro range of school dinner puds launched

Crapioca.

And introducing...

Phlegmolina.

Doogie Shipman MD

New medical comedy-drama on ITV4.

Doogie Shipman is a precocious 14 year-old doctor, who's constantly in trouble with his parents.

DAD: Doogie! In here now!
DOOGIE: [Voice breaking.] What?
DAD: What's this?
DOOGIE: What?
DAD: Behind the sofa?
DOOGIE: What's behind the sofa?
DAD: These dead old people, that's who!
DOOGIE: Oh... them.
DAD: Yes them! Doogie, what have I told you about killing old people?
DOOGIE: I never touched 'em!
DAD: Really? Well what did they die of, then?
DOOGIE: Er... natural causes?
DAD: It's always natural causes with you, isn't it?
DOOGIE: There's a lot of it about!

Kiddy Fiddler on the Roof

New musical concept for the West End. Songs and book by Jonathon King. Set during rooftop protest by paedophile wing at Strangeways.

Backers wanted.

Wish You Weren't Here

New peak-time sex tourism series for ITV1. Ross Kemp joins Judith Chalmers (back from the embalmers) as they travel between the sun-kissed beaches and picturesque markets of Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, and Nicaragua, hounding suspected ex-pat kiddy-fiddlers from one country to another.

Demis

Left-leaning think tank, devoted to tackling problems of obesity with the policy solution of kaftans.

St Ivel Knivel

The milk float dairy-devil.

Better the Brevil You Know (also known as You've Been Maimed)

New game show for BBC 2. Hosted by Matthew Kelly. (Or when he's on holiday, Stu Francis or Magnus Pike.)

Contestants are presented with 30 brevil sandwich makers. All but one contain money in cash, ranging from £1 to £10,000. Some of them are still on. One has been sabotaged, so that it reaches temperatures of several hundred degrees without tripping. Contestants open each brevil in turn, having to feel around inside for the money. After each brevil opening they can chose to stick or twist. Kelly holds an iron close to his face and asks it questions.

Call My Brough

New afternoon game-show for BBC4, hosted by Clare Balding.

Each week two teams, captained by Kistie Allsopp and John McCrirrick, interview three Japanese women, and have to guess which one is the subservient oriental wife of pint-sized racing bore Brough Scott. Having selected geisha A, B, or C, they ring the number and ask for Brough. The winning team is the one that gets through to Brough Scott.

Call My Brough.

Brevil's Advocate

New show for ITV3, starring Robson Or Jerome. He plays a barrister representing Brevil in a succession of legal suits concerning toasted sandwich-related accidents, injuries, and infernos. While by day he's a tough but fair lawyer, fighting for the rights of 1970s legacy corporations to evade compensating the little people they've disfigured, by night he makes his own rules, donning a balaclava and visiting plaintiffs in alleyways, car parks, and even their own homes, with a nail-studded baseball bat.

Property Bladder

New show on Channel 4, starring Kirsty Allsop and Roland Rivron. Each week Kirsty visits a smug pair of Tories (he's a cunt in IT, she's a horsey bitch with a bun in the oven) and asks them to wank on about how much money they've got in the guise of prevaricating over which of several mansions they'd like to buy, while Roland Rivron relieves himself on their doorstep.

Julienne Lloyd-Webber

Device for slicing that cello-playing cunt into human matchsticks.

Thick and Fast

Adult education programme for sprinters.

Great Victorian Inventors #5

Thomas Edison was born in 1853,
He invented the electric light bulb and then he had his tea,
One day while on the job,
A mouse run up his nob,
Because it smelled of brie!

Great Victorian Inventors #4

Louis Pasteur was born in 1834,
He invented vaccinations and then became a crushing bore,
He loved to play the darts,
He'd throw them with his farts,
And a well-positioned straw!

Found this in a recent but Third Reich-themed Xmas cracker

Q: Who was Homer Simpson's favourite Nazi admiral?
A: Mmm... Doenitz.

(With apologies to A R Thomas.)

THEY’RE GONNA KILL FERN BRITTEN

Everybody everywhere in the world,

They got a plan that I overheard,

Somebody somewhere gonna say the word,

And then they’re gonna move so fast that they’ll be blurred,

You may not believe me ‘cos you’ll say it’s absurd…

But they’re gonna kill Fern Britten.

It won’t be for anything she done or said,

But they’re gonna steal up to her when she’s in bed,

Gonna take a big knife and cut off her head,

Gonna write on the walls in her crimson red,

Hail to thee Satan, now the bitch is dead!

These are my conclusions to which the clues have led…

They’re gonna kill Fern Britten.

Don’t die!

Fern, baby, please don’t die!

Don’t die!

Fern, baby, please don’t die!

I went to the police, told them what I knew,

‘Bout how everybody everywhere wanted her slew,

They listened to me politely, asked me one lump or two,

Then took away my belt and the laces from my shoe,

And off to the asylum in an ambulance I flew.

It was then I had the proof…

They were gonna kill Fern Britten.

I spend my days just like Terry Waite,

Lying by the radiator, planning my escape,

I only hope I make it before I’m too late,

And Fern is condemned to meet her very grissly fate,

I write her daily letters which they file in a crate,

But I’m an avenging angel with a pumping heart of hate,

I’m planning how to kill them, using Fern as the bate…

I’ll kill everyone in the whole wide world – to stop them killing Fern Britten!

Don’t die!

Fern, baby, please don’t die!

Don’t die!

Fern, baby, please don’t die!

Great Victorian Inventors #3

Isambard Kingdom Brunel was born in 1820,
If he invented one iron railway bridge, he invented plenty,
He had this great big hat,
They said he looked a twat,
So he gave it up for Lent-y!

Found this in a Third Reich era Xmas cracker

Q: Who was Hitler's favourite general?
A: Guderian.
(Good Aryan.)

My Easter gift to you!

AT EASTERTIDE

Our Lord

Died for you and me,

Nailed to

That blessed and cursèd tree;

I’m late,

It’s almost half-past three,

Must dash –

I’ve got hot cross buns for tea.

It’s Easter, it’s Easter,

A time for eggs and fun!

Easter, O Easter,

God’s dead, have a currant bun!

Easter, it’s Easter,

When Christ rose from the dead,

Easter, O Easter,

Time to varnish the shed!

That day, the sky grew overcast

When Christ the King had breathed his last,

Look in the shed, what’s that, oh blast!

Meant to fix that old Qualcast!

It’s Easter, it’s Easter,

When Christ died for all our sins!

Easter, O Easter,

An extra day before they empty the bins!

Easter, it’s Easter,

When man committed the ultimate crime!

Easter, O Easter,

Get them in – it’s Sunday closing time!

Easter, it’s Easter,

A time for eggs and fun!

Easter, O Easter,

God’s dead, have a currant bun!

It’s Easter, it’s Easter,

When Christ rose from the dead!

Easter, O Easter,

Time to varnish the shed!

Great Victorian Inventors #2

George Stephenson was born in 1795,
He invented the Rocket and became the fastest man alive,
His sister had this bunny,
So he coated it in honey
And threw it in a hive!

On boarding the 09.10 Virgin Trains service from Reading

A seat by the window and close to the door,
I flip down the table and set down my coffee,
The smell of shit pervades throughout
The smell of shit pervades throughout
The smell of shit pervades throughout.

Hmm.

There's a pain au raisin inside my bag -

The smell of shit pervades throughout -

I've skipped my breakfast, I need to eat -

The smell of shit pervades throughout -

What do I do, oh what do I do?

The smell of shit pervades throughout.

I eat the pain au raisin.

I am -

The smell of shit pervades throughout -

A pigwig.

But that's humanity for you.

The smell of shit pervades throughout.

Some of these people are going as far as Edinburgh!

On starting work in a classical music shop

These are our days of Sturm und Drang:
Who composed the Schwanengesang?

It's the new offering from Scottish Italian chippies

Batter ciabatta.

Duncan Goodhew, Duncan Badhew

A new drama series for Saturday afternoons on ITV2. A reimagining of the life of the Olympic gold medal winning swimmer, in which he meddles with forces beyond his control, risking his very soul for a head of hair.

Great Victorian Inventors #1

Michael Farraday was born in 1792.
He invented electricity and then didn't know what to do.
He had this bleedin' parrot
Which turned into a carrot
And up his arse it flew!

New cartoon character

Naughty Abortee,
the cheeky foetus scamp!

New definitions

Depict.

What the Romans did to England.

Welsh SAS

Who Abedares Aberwins!

Paedo-papery

THE EDICT OF NONCE!

Dialogue from a new film

"What's that, Skippy? Lassie's trapped in the cave? She went down there to rescue Flipper??"

A variety act

A variety act - a dozen Elvis impersonators - TWELVIS!